Say What? - Eight Words and Phrases to Avoid in LGBT Communications

Over the years, I’ve written several posts about language and the words media, marketers and other communicators use to refer to members of the LGBT community or to talk about the community itself. In March of this year, I wrote a post about the Census Bureau’s decision to not count LGBT people and referenced a post I wanted to write about language and words to avoid in talking with, to our about us. At long last, here is that post I first talked about almost six months ago.

I received a good deal of comment about the Census post in March, as I did for previous posts on the topic of language. I think that’s because how you talk about our community is an issue that is often fraught with tension and confusion. There are those well-meaning people who want to be respectful and appropriate and just don’t know how. There are those folks who don’t realize they’re being offensive in the language they use, but would likely change if the fact were pointed out to them. And there are those folks who want to be offensive because they have a specific, negative point of view about LGBT people. This post is for all of those folks, but I suspect only the folks in the first two groups will pay attention.

Why is language important? As I said back in March (and have said previously), “language matters and words have power.” What you call someone has meaning, particularly when you use language that is offensive, derogatory or even “just” dismissive. When you seek to place LGBT people into a category of “other” or “different,” you make us seem “strange,” “out of the ordinary” or less than equal with other, non-LGBT people. 

Even seemingly innocuous words used in a negative context can be offensive. Repeated references to “the homosexual” community and people who “choose” that “lifestyle” are really just a few steps removed from the teasing and taunting that has driven young LGBT youth to suicide and caused countless numbers of people to remain closeted for fear of what others will think of them. 

It’s all about what you say, what you mean and why you’re saying it. It may sound difficult to understand, but it really isn’t. If a word sounds wrong in a gay and lesbian communications context, for whatever reason your common sense tells you, it probably is. But to make it easier to determine what not to say or write and why, we’ve developed an initial list of eight words or prhrases to avoid in LGBT communications.

Lifestyle or “the gay lifestyle” – this one really grates on me. Referring to someone’s inherent characteristics as a “lifestyle” demeans that person by referring to who they are as a person as something that is only a “way” of living that they “choose” to follow rather than an immutable characteristic of their being (such as having blue eyes). Anti-gay people and organizations refer to “the gay lifestyle” in their comments about the community and use the term in outreach efforts designed to raise money for their anti-gay attacks by raising public fears about “those people.” Unfortunately, media sometimes fall into the trap of using this word or phrase and marketers have been known to use it as well, even in materials designed to attract LGBT consumers to buy a certain product or service.

Sexual preference or preference – this term brings up all kinds of conversations about whether or not LGBT people “choose” to be LGBT. By inferring that we do "choose" to be gay, anti-gay people and organizations can (often subtly) imply that we’re not deserving of equality because it’s just our “preference” that we’re LGBT and not an immutable characteristic of our being. It’s a really offensive term when used in this manner, but media and marketers still make the mistake of using the term in coverage and outreach.

Choice, choose or “choose to be gay” – this is often the word or phrase that follows usage of the term “lifestyle” or “preference.” As with the latter, using this word is a signal that we “choose” to be who we are and are therefore able to “choose” to be someone else. This kind of thinking is more than just obnoxious, it’s dangerous. By telling someone that it is not okay to be who they are, you tell them that they are less than human. Words do have consequences.

Homosexual – as I’ve written before, the term “homosexual” is often used by anti-gay people and organizations to refer to our community with an “accepted” term. In fact, the term has been so abused that its usage now seems more clinical than contemporary and it is, to most people, a way to slyly denigrate our community. By referring to “the homosexual community” or the “homosexual agenda,” anti-gay people and organizations attempt to make LGBT people sound like some odd/strange/uncomfortable “other” that is neither good nor acceptable. 

Alternative – this term is one of the most overused in the marketers’ toolkit. Used to describe things as varied as music, energy or people, it generally means “not like the other” or “not normal.” While generally viewed as less offensive than other anti-gay code words such as “preference,” the term “alternative” as used in LGBT communications contexts is negative and unnecessary. Yes, we are all different, but as a gay man, I’m not an “alternative” to a straight man. 

Tolerance - this term is increasingly seen as antiquated as social mores change and the general population becomes more engaged and involved with LGBT people. In the past, talking or writing about “tolerance” was fine because there was so much intolerance towards LGBT people in the world (it was an improvement at least). Now, with changes in society, the idea of “tolerating” LGBT people is becoming anachronistic. LGBT people don’t want to be “tolerated” (like a headache or other nuisance), we want to be accepted for who we are. And as equal members of society, we ought to be.

Special rights – this term is frequently used by anti-gay people and organizations to position LGBT advocacy for equal rights under the law as a negative, selfish attempt to secure “special rights” that LGBT people clearly do not deserve. The right to have access to a partner during medical procedures or the right to be recognized as a married couple is not “special,” it’s just human. Unfortunately, this term is often included in media coverage of LGBT issues, often without any challenge to its patently false nature and anti-gay connotation.

Friend – this term is often used to refer to the partner or spouse of an LGBT person in place of the term partner or spouse.  In that context, it carries the unfortunate stigma of discomfort and/or lack of respect for an LGBT person’s relationship. A significant part of engaging us as individuals is based on acknowledging the people in our lives, including our partners or spouses. Far from being polite, half-acknowledging someone’s relationship by referring to their significant other as a “friend,” is rude and disrespectful (not to mention socially awkward).

That's it: a starting point for an important conversation. This is by no means a comprehensive list, so please add your own suggestions in the comments below. 

In the meantime, thanks to our friend Dave Paisley of Community Marketing Inc. for the smart suggestions he offered earlier this year and to all of the people who have commented on the various posts we’ve written on this topic over the past several years. We look forward to your feedback.

Comments

[Laura Nguyen]

Thanks Ben for posting about this! I absolutely agree with you on each and every word choice. Rhetoric in the LGBT community is critical to creating an inclusive conversation ... or joining in that conversation. For communicators, we understand the strength in words. It's our responsibility to generate awareness.

[Adam]

At work, I offer the following example when educating our leaders:
- chocolate vs vanilla is a preference
- boxers vs briefs is a choice
- vegetarianism is a lifestyle
All interesting terms, but completely different from sexual orientation.

Also, examples of sexual preference:
- frequently
- vanilla
- in superhero costumes

[Bart]

Agreed on most of these. The friend one gets a little murky with some people who are not officially out, no matter how blazingly obvious it may seem to the rest of us. I once yelled out to a lesbian friend "say hi to Melissa for me" and she visibly blanched like it was a faux pas.

People introduce heterosexual folks with ambiguous status as "friends" of all the time. The standard colloquy is this is so and so's friend, actually she is my girlfriend. That's the way it works.

Otherwise I think this is an insightful and informative list.

[Gay List Daily]

Love it - I'm giving a speech to a group of PR folks tonight and I'm going to read directly from your post (and give you credit, of course!). Good stuff!

One item, in particular, made me laugh. My dad still calls my partner of nearly 11 years (with whom I have two kids) my "friend." It's more amusing to me than insulting, only because I know how uncomfortable it makes him to even acknowledge the situation at all.

[Gay List Daily]

Just thought of another example where your list plays perfectly...

I'm on the board of directors for a local arts charity. The day before we were flying out to California to pick up our daughter, one of the other board members came up to me and said, "I'm so excited for you! Homosexuals make some of the best parents!"

She meant so well, and I did appreciate that she even made the effort to be supportive. At the same time, the comment was tarnished slightly for me by her word choice. (Or was it a word preference?!)

[Queercents]

Great list. I rarely see "friend" used in this context in print, but apparently it's alive and well in retirement communities.

We were visiting my partner's 80-year-old aunt over the weekend and she introduced me to her neighbors as my partner's friend. Of course, at the same time they met our son and obviously were very aware that he was "our" son, so I found her word choice to be peculiar.

One other word that I've never thought worked is this idea of sharing a "community" with people I have never actually met. Just because I'm a lesbian, I'm a member of the LGBT community.

[Jake]

Use the term "HETEROSEXUAL-ONLY MARRIAGE" to describe our opposition. It is the most appropriate since it describes what they want.

[Larry Goldsmith]

I *choose* to live my life as an out, open gay man, in my own particular way. It is my *preference*. Saying or implying that we deserve equal rights just because we were "born that way" or "can't help being this way" or are "genetically programmed this way" or that "our brains are wired this way" is offensive to me, and it is a pathetically weak argument for our rights and autonomy. Obviously sexuality is not chosen in quite the same way we choose to wear the red or the blue shirt--to paraphrase an old philosopher, we choose our sexuality, but we do not choose it just as we please. But if we did, would we not still be deserving of the freedom to make that choice, and the right to enjoy it?

[Guido]

Ben, thanks a lot for this very valuable post. For my part there is not a lot to add. Just point me out that the "choice" aspect in its various forms (such as lifestyle, preference, etc.) is really the (global) fundamental point anyone talking about LGBT has to understand. If one internalizes that being LGBT has nothing to do with a free-will decision, then addressing "our community" will almost automatically be done in an acceptable fashion. The other point very important point you made was about "tolerance" vs. "acceptance".

Thanks again for the list!

[Louise]

Whilst I accept your points, I think your article is very negative and full of subject points of view. It might have been more helpful to provide suggestions for alternative words and phrases that you do find acceptable.

[queerunity]

Great posting, I tried emailing you unsuccessfully to make sure it was ok to re-post this (with credit to you of course) on my blog.
http://queersunited.blogspot.com/2009/08/eight-words-and-phrases-to-avoid-in.html

[apavyc]

I agree with Louise. This post is a bit like the U.S. Republicans complaining but not giving an alternate plan on health care or you name it. In your next post, can you please tell us what IS ok...the best phrases to use, etc. Give us current good-lingo; it's not fair to criticize and then not tell us what is preferred. I want to be supportive (and thought I was), but I can't be supportive without your help, and most people will be less enthusiastic about their support if those they support are being condescending (as your post may make some people feel). Please be patient with those of us who would like to be supportive; we're trying to help...don't turn us off.

Thanks. I look forward to your next post.

[george]

ben i really enjoyed this post - it brought me up to date on what terms are still being used, and it reminded me that i seldom hear some of them at all anymore, which is a victory.
i agree in part with apavyc in her stance that it would be beneficial to let people know how to help and, in so doing, use the proper terminology.
after all, there may be things on an agenda, but we don't have an "agenda" per se. and what's the lifestyle really - we all live our lives, whether gay, lesbian, straight, etc. yes there are flamboyant gay men and there are macho gay men - are they living the "gay lifestyle" in the same way?
anyway, thanks much for the insightful piece, and i know i will miss you too...only got started reading you recently too.

[bridgeout]

Thank you so much for this post! I have posted several times on this theme, but not this concisely in one space. I have linked to you here and share these 8 words/phrases. The more folks who can read and understand this... the better!